I'm crazy. Did I mention I'm crazy?

[cybermathwitch]

Random-ish question regarding "on-line" friends:

Ok, I'm sure that most people will see or hear something (just in the course of an average day) that might make them think of one of their friends, for instance, I might read something about JD Robb and think, "hey, kadollan" (who I live in the same town with, hang out with IRL, etc.) "would be interested in that..." - my question is, is it common for anyone else to think/react the same way in regards to "online" friends that they hardly ever just see and hang out with, or am I just a weirdo/freak?

It's probably a dumb question, but I felt the urge to ask because I find myself doing it *ALL* the damn time. Maybe I just miss hanging out with people that I don't get to see anymore. :(

*********

In completely other news, no one will go near me with any antidepressants since I was under the care of a psychiatrist previously, despite the fact that I haven't been on anything for several months now and keep trying to tell them that I CAN'T AFFORD TO SEE ANYONE! I worked up the nerve/will power to go to the walk-in clinic at my pcp's office, because the depression is getting *really* really bad. The RNP chicky at the medical clinic (which, btw, DOESN'T take my new insurance) told me she couldn't/wouldn't do anything about it, that I needed to see my psychiatrist, that I could *try* talking to my pcp and we could make an appointment but that since she (my PCP) hadn't been dealing with it previously that she would probably tell me the same thing. I told her (the RNP) that if it wasn't going to help that I couldn't afford the visit with my PCP and refused to make an appointment (because I know my PCP and she *will* just refer me back to my psych.). The RNP wasn't happy with this - actually she was completely baffled and kept looking at me like I was talking to her in another language. (She also kept insisting that the Buspar I'd been on had been an anti depressant - I told her several times that no, it was for anxiety, and that the Zoloft had been for the depression and she didn't believe me. I realize that she's the medical professional and I'm not, but I'm the one that's been ON THE DAMN STUFF FOR 6 YEARS for gods' sake!)

I also checked with my psychiatrist's office (because SOMETHING has to be done - I'm NOT coping at all anymore, with much of anything anymore) - they said that I don't have ANY mental health insurance at all and that it's $90-99 dollars a visit to see Dr. Bodie.

There is some good news though - they actually had an opening for this friday (last time I had to wait 3 weeks to see her), and mom said that she'd pay for the visit. But I'm still not sure how we'll afford the meds or whether or not anyone'll be able to afford for any follow-up visits. Mom's still looking for a job, so money's really tight for them too.

********

Mom doesn't think that I should get married until I have things like my mental health and my coping ability under control and sorted out. So she gets weird if I try to talk about the wedding, but is also kinda weird cause she feels like I'm making all the decisions and things without her - if I say anything about it that's not a direct "And what do you think/suggest about that?" she is intentionally assuming I'm informing, not discussing. Just because I told her that we did know for sure who was *doing* the ceremony, and that harmonylsc was doing the music. I don't think it's that she minds those things that much, just that the decision is already made. But then again, see above, she doesn't think I'm ready to be doing it at all. And in many respects, she's probably right - but I'm always going to be struggling with my mental health. It's not going to away, and will always be a struggle. And no, I can't cope as an adult so far, but my relationship with Brian is one of the *VERY* few things that ever makes me feel safe or ok about myself.

*********

Anyway, I'm in Dickson for a few days while the car gets repaired (the battery is having some problems and we were in a minor accident Monday night where my front end clipped someone else's back end and the headlight and blinker on one side need to be fixed. Also, the oil needs changing.) We're gonna take pictures for the insurance and such. I don't know how long it'll take, but I should probably call and tell them I probably won't be at Imbolc this weekend.

::headdesk::

Comments

Am I crazy?

[nman-in-black.livejournal.com]

Do I ever understand! I've spent my entire life in the same condition, I suspect. One never knows, even when told in detail, all the pain and the quality of the experience of another, but what you describe gives me the "You too?" resonance. Been there, done that, etc.

I have found a few things that do help me. Maybe you would find them useful too.

One--diet. Seratonin, the core factor of the SSRI antidepressant approach, is a chemical product of the digested protein tryptophan, present in milk that has been heated (i.e., cocoa, or hot milk with some butter, salt and pepper in it--actually quite good!), in green beans, in turkey! A turkey sub is marvelous, especially with a side of hot straight-cut grean beans.

You can't buy L-tryptophan in the USA any more...four in 100,000 are violently allergic to it and some have died from the over-the-counter Health Food Store products.

St. John's Wort is tricky, but useful, if one is very careful. It either contains or has a booster for Seratonin. Not doctor recommended, but it's cheap in comparison to manufactured meds.

I won't use it. Tried, didn't like result. Didn't like Zoloft either, for that matter. Now I'm on Lexapro, expensive, but the doc is supplying me for the moment. It is another of the SSRI's.

Two--exercise. Releases seratonin and other related "endorphins" in the system, better than blocking reuptake, which the Zoloft/Prozac type meds do.

Three-meditation and prayer. The delta/alpha activity in the brain also releases Seratonin. Robert Jordan's description of the "void and the flame" in Rand's teaching from his father Tam is an example. The Aes Sedai beginning exercises described also are good examples. This use of visual imagery is "Neural Linguistic Programing"--NLP. Words, phrases shape our inner life, which is an part of our makeup that is very powerful but almost robotically obedient to "programming."

One can make significant changes in ones thoughts and feelings by reworking, editing the "dicta" (rules) that govern how we think, feel, live.

Sometimes the images are best if done non-verbally through visual, rather than verbal, imaging. I would love to teach you how to do some things with this powerful method, but is pretty much impossible from three hundred miles away.

Love you! Hang in there, let the pain blow through you, not blow you around. Be transparent, or think of a screen versus a glass storm door. Be "screen," not "glass." (That's an example of the NLP described above.)

I sure hope some of this is of help. It has helped me--but I learn very, very slowly when it comes to matters about how to live, choose life, choose to be content and serene (Seratonin at work!).

Re: Am I crazy?

[sabre-hawke.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* baby. I understand, too. You know you can call me at 2:30 am, right? I'll start making sure the phone is on when I go to bed and not let it ring through to voicemail. I'll talk w/your mom about the wedding, and living with mental illness, too, if you'd like. She's all wigged out about her baby growing up "too fast" and is looking for any branch in the wind to hold on to right now. You're not being "enough" (old enough, sane enough, experienced enough, whatever) -- whether or not it may be trie -- is a way she can hold on to *her* sanity right now. Sigh~ But it sure is hell to deal with from the opposite ends nman_in_black and I both know about all of this intimately from our own relationship. And I'm a very slow learner when it comes to these things, too.

I still believe you and Brian are perfectly suited to each other, and very well paired, in spite of your age difference. I welcome you to my family with open arms, and to my household with everything that I am and have. You are my daughter, and I love you!

Re: Am I crazy?

[sabre-hawke.livejournal.com]

Hey, there's also a book called "Meditation as Medicine" that will teach you how to do the NLP and some specific meditations that will help your brain produce the appropriate hormones and SSRI's to get healthy again without meds. And you can still go to The Guidance Center for therapy, even if you see your psych at home for meds. *More Hugs*

[jessofthebugs.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. It's one of the most crippling things to have depression and anxiety out of control. nman_in_black's advice is sound. I don't really have anything to add to it. I do want you to know that I am right here when you need me. You are loved and this will pass.

[kadollan.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what nman_in_black said.

I would be more use to you, I think, both as a teacher and a friend, if you would ever, ya know, call me. Or email. Or whatever.

I miss you, and I'm worried about you.

[elflore.livejournal.com]

*Big hugs* You're totally not crazy. We all have our issues to muddle through...but the ones who are aware of their own and doing their best with them...those are the ones I find furthest from crazy. In my book anyway. :?P

And the thing about being reminded of online friends? Happens to me alllllll the time. *g* I was reminded of you the other day, for instance...listening to the Buffy soundtrack and trying to remember which song they played during the Buffy/Xander dirtydance scene in "When She Was Bad", which I know you love, and remember you describing to me in detail, long before I was finally smart enough to become a Buffy junkie. ;?)

Loves ya, sis.

[cybermathwitch.livejournal.com]

aw... ::has warm fuzzies::

It's probably not on the soundtrack, actually (I was disappointed in the choices they ultimately made for that one, truth be told) - it's a song by Cibo Matto called "Sugar Water" on their CD "Viva! La Woman".

I love you too, bro!

[elflore.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh...you're right. Looked it up...they only put that track on the import version of Radio Sunnydale (which has several more songs than the US version, although it does lack the Sarah McLachlan one).

Yeah...I don't think either "Buffy: the Album" or Radio Sunnydale is spectacular...they've both got some great songs and some really blah ones. I still enjoy 'em, though.

But, dammit, I need Giles' version of "Behind Blue Eyes"! *g* (Don't suppose you've seen that anywhere?)

[cybermathwitch.livejournal.com]

Since I don't know what you're talking about - no, no I haven't seen it anywhere. The only fandom "behind blue eyes" connection I've got in my little brain is a Harry Potter vid featuring Draco...

[elflore.livejournal.com]

Giles sang the song in the coffeehouse in...some ep in season 4. It was the first time we saw him sing. Much jaw droppery from the Scoobs. *g*

[cybermathwitch.livejournal.com]

I should know that. Why don't I know that? Actually, now I'm having vague memories of that.

[elflore.livejournal.com]

Hehehe, sok. We all have the days. :?)

[snazzyokapi.livejournal.com]

why is your mom looking for a job? again with the not at all knnowing what's going on with you.

have you or your mom ever gone to a NAMI meeting? i'm sure there's probably one in the dickson area. how knowledgeable/supportive are your parents of what you're going through?

also, you may want to check with a local health department - since all the horrible cuts in coverage, most health departments have expanded their services a lot. i don't know if they can do anything to help with psychiatric issues, or what their rates would be since you do have insurance (even though this isn't covered), but it would be worth it to give them a call and try to check into it.

please, please, please email me and give me some updated contact info for you. i'd love to get in touch through more than livejournal, but i'm so bad at it. i'm snazzyokapi@gmail.com. i'd love to be able to talk to you and try to help in any way that i can, and since i am so dreadfully out of the loop of you, i could easily be a from-scratch listener to the whole shebang in your own words. murfreesboro or even dickson isn't too far away for me to go if i need to. at the very least, know that i'm thinking of you and sending warm fuzzies in your direction.