(no subject)

[cybermathwitch]

So I've been pondering relationships lately. Specifically, I've been
pondering the issues that I have with men, and why I have them, and the
truth and falsity therein.

Big words, huh?

To put it bluntly, well, I'll stick this behind a cut tag in case you don't
want it bluntly, or at all. ::wink::

Journals are for thinking in, so I'm thinking. I'm putting myself outside
of myself to try and look at the situation(s) rationally and actually
instead of wrapped up in how it all felt. Although I'm not sure it's
possible to put emotion completely aside on this issue, nor am I sure that I
would even want to - it is of course, at its heart, all about emotions.


Basically, I can't seem to really believe that it's possible for a guy to
find me attractive and want me (physically) without any badgering and/or
propositioning. I can look back at previous experience and see exactly why
this is, but at the same time, I'm not entirely sure that it doesn't simply
prove the case.

I had a crush on, and then fell in love, with a guy who was, well, not my
only interest, but pretty close to it, for seven years, ages 12-19. We
dated twice, and were very close friends in between. The first time he
asked me out, we were in seventh grade (at which point, all that involved
was something like going to a church halloween party with his family and
hanging out together in gym class and discussing any and every book, show,
and movie we'd ever seen or read). The only reason he even considered it
was because several of our friends kept teasing us about it and finally
talked him in to it. Later in the year he stopped talking to me, and I
found out that he'd "broken up" with me through one of his friends.

High school was a little bit more intense, as would be expected. In
between, I'd crushed on him, tagged along after him (he was one of the few
people I could talk to that had enough pop culture knowledge in the areas I
did to keep up with my trains of thought), and generally made a nuisance of
myself and drove him bananas. It was no real secret that I liked him, to
him or to anyone else. When we got to sophomore year, two of our best
friends apparently badgered him into asking me out again. This time there
was some kissing, some heavy petting, and general high school antics, though
I refused to have sex with him or go down on him. Whenever physical things
happened, I was generally the one who initiated it, and he responded only
grudgingly, unless there was obviously something in it for him. He wasn't
big on cuddling or simple things like sitting together or holding hands,
which is the sort of thing that I wanted, I think. Also, except for our two
best friends (and a third friend of mine that I told, eventually) he didn't
want anyone knowing that we were going out, so we were always sneaking
around. I wanted to be with him badly enough that I didn't really question
it. Eventually, he broke up with me again (and again, I kind of found out
after the fact), but this time we stayed much, much closer friends. It
didn't all suck, don't get me wrong. We could have an absolute blast
together, and boggled the frell out of anyone trying to follow one of our
conversations, which is it's own kind of fun.

Comments

[sisyphus91.livejournal.com]

Basically, I can't seem to really believe that it's possible for a guy to
find me attractive and want me (physically) without any badgering and/or
propositioning.

Quality relationships are hard to find no matter what you look like. It took me a longtime to find someone for me. It has taken my friends, with very few exceptions, many horrid dates and failed relationships to find the right person.

Don't give up, don't settle for less, and don't doubt yourself. Ever.