cybermathwitch (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
cybermathwitch) wrote2004-04-13 10:08 pm
cybermathwitch) wrote2004-04-13 10:08 pm
Sigh.
Actually today was a good day, all in all. I found the error in my bank account (it was a. on my part and b. meant I had *more* money, not less), I started the process of getting my buspar refilled, and I have my planner under something resembling control. Work was busy but not insane, and I've had chocolate ice cream. ::g::
On the other hand, I have to write a fic by thursday. Ack! Ok, really, I have a good start on it, but it's at work and I didn't have a disk w/ me today. Silly, silly Koren.
I've no clue what to do about my personal life. I'm looking at it with something more akin to sanity now (have I mentioned my psych decided that I also had at least some bi-polar-ness and prescribed a stabilizer? I'm on what seems like an insane amount of meds, but I *feel* better than I have in a long time) but it's still leaving me kind of whelmed and blue.
I love Beltaine, for all the obvious reasons as well as the simple fact that I'm a Beltaine baby, and I love my birthday. I was named (however unintentionally) after the Greek goddess of spring and maidens for Gods' sake. However, the Beltaine gathering may or may not do me good. There are several people I'm either involved with or interested in, but each and everyone one of them has a primary partner that isn't me. Actually, I think everyone I'm going with has an SO (significant other). ::rifles through memory and checklist of people going...:: Yep. I'm gonna be the only one of our group going stag.
Pun not originally intended.
I don't know what's going on with the guy I mentioned before. Things are going a little farther than I've realized I want them to, in retrospect. I want to sit down and talk to him and find out what *he* thinks is going on (purely physical or genuine relationship interest) and what he thinks about toning down the sex factor. Not all the way, because I am interested in him "that way". Just some. In my perfect world it would be more about the cuddles and the getting to know each other and ohmygods I sound kind of pitiful, huh?
What i want, in the end (and I mean in general, not with any person I know now in particular) is someone to whom I'm the most important person. Not necessarily only, but primary. (Hell, I'm polyamorous, I'm not going to be hypocritical about an SO being that too.) I want someone who'll get territorial sometimes, though not in the scary-obsessive-stalker kind of way. Just in the way that they value and love me enough that they're proud of me, just because I'm wonderful as who I am. In the way that they want other people to know that they're with me and I'm with them.
I look around at the people around me who have that kind of relationship, and I can't see why or what it is that makes me any different from any of them. It isn't even that I don't feel like I'm worthy of it or some crap like that (it used to be, but the last several years have been very, very good for/to me). Rather, it's just that it's bloody frustrating to know that I *am* just as worthy of it, but that no one else seems to see it/me or be interested.
So yeah, Beltaine. So far, I've never been propositioned at a Gathering, and when I've done the propositioning (once) I've been turned down.
::headdesk::
On the other hand, I have to write a fic by thursday. Ack! Ok, really, I have a good start on it, but it's at work and I didn't have a disk w/ me today. Silly, silly Koren.
I've no clue what to do about my personal life. I'm looking at it with something more akin to sanity now (have I mentioned my psych decided that I also had at least some bi-polar-ness and prescribed a stabilizer? I'm on what seems like an insane amount of meds, but I *feel* better than I have in a long time) but it's still leaving me kind of whelmed and blue.
I love Beltaine, for all the obvious reasons as well as the simple fact that I'm a Beltaine baby, and I love my birthday. I was named (however unintentionally) after the Greek goddess of spring and maidens for Gods' sake. However, the Beltaine gathering may or may not do me good. There are several people I'm either involved with or interested in, but each and everyone one of them has a primary partner that isn't me. Actually, I think everyone I'm going with has an SO (significant other). ::rifles through memory and checklist of people going...:: Yep. I'm gonna be the only one of our group going stag.
Pun not originally intended.
I don't know what's going on with the guy I mentioned before. Things are going a little farther than I've realized I want them to, in retrospect. I want to sit down and talk to him and find out what *he* thinks is going on (purely physical or genuine relationship interest) and what he thinks about toning down the sex factor. Not all the way, because I am interested in him "that way". Just some. In my perfect world it would be more about the cuddles and the getting to know each other and ohmygods I sound kind of pitiful, huh?
What i want, in the end (and I mean in general, not with any person I know now in particular) is someone to whom I'm the most important person. Not necessarily only, but primary. (Hell, I'm polyamorous, I'm not going to be hypocritical about an SO being that too.) I want someone who'll get territorial sometimes, though not in the scary-obsessive-stalker kind of way. Just in the way that they value and love me enough that they're proud of me, just because I'm wonderful as who I am. In the way that they want other people to know that they're with me and I'm with them.
I look around at the people around me who have that kind of relationship, and I can't see why or what it is that makes me any different from any of them. It isn't even that I don't feel like I'm worthy of it or some crap like that (it used to be, but the last several years have been very, very good for/to me). Rather, it's just that it's bloody frustrating to know that I *am* just as worthy of it, but that no one else seems to see it/me or be interested.
So yeah, Beltaine. So far, I've never been propositioned at a Gathering, and when I've done the propositioning (once) I've been turned down.
::headdesk::